Montag, 17. Juni 2013

just read it

hey out there

if you have the time to listen to my thoughts, if you feel like reading it go for it :)

this might be one of the most personal post i will write, well i kinda need to talk to someone, and thing is no one is online, it is middle of the night i should say. 
i have a few days left. you know how horrible this sounds. a few days. 2 more actual school days. one sportsday, one excursion.  my head is exploding, too many feeling. wanting to go home and being excited about it at some point to see your brother again, your family, your friends, just to be back at home. but then i feel so at home here. this is home to me. it really is. i have friends that are as close as sisters to me. i love them to bits. everyone is so nice and i love them i just fit in perfectly. i just dont want to leave, my life seems perfect and i know it might hurt some people, some of my friends to read this. but it just does. of coarse i miss them, a lot when i actually think about it. it hurts so much i do miss them. but at the same time i have new friends that i know for a year and this year feels like forever. and i never ever want to let go. well i kinda fell in love as well. definitly not a thing i'd say you should do in your last months. but you can't really do much about it, can you? it just happens. and you can't think straight anymore. so my life is just wonderful right now, wonderful friends, being in love, and my hostfamily feels like i am at home in my real family. it couldn't be better, except for this one thought back in my head that tells me, that this is gonna be over at some point. and this thought hurts. and it's hard to keep this inside. that's why i am writing it out right now. you can tell your friends here in australia, but if you do talk to much about it, they get so sad, that they just cry more thinking about me leaving, and i don't want them to cry. My friends at home, i could talk to them right, that's what you'd think. but thing is, they've never done exchange, it sounds harsh, but they don't understand... so here i am talking to anyone, who ever is reading this right now. i will just tell you what's on my mind. hoping you'll listen.
there's people, at school, teachers, friends, that don't seem to get it, that you shouldn't ask an exchange student a week before they are leaving: "so when are you leaving?" or "are you enjoying your last days?" of coarse i am, and don't you see me smiling, but thanks now you reminded me and i am dieing inside. now i have to hold back tears. why do you ask me something like that? it just seems wrong to me. don't you have the common sense that it's gonna hurt me?

anyways. how could i sum up my whole exchange in just a few words:
what have i learned? what have i learned, good question, i would need to say i learned a lot about myself. i learned that there is a totally different point of view to everything, how teachers always say: "view it from a different perspective!" well i think i passed it this time, i see the world from a different perspective. i couldn't say it's a better one, but it definitly is more clear, and everything makes more sense. i found out what people think about me, what they think when they hear my name, or see my hair. i got so much self confidence at some point. i thought i had self confidence, well at least a little, when i came here. i thought i would be able to handle the situation of being away from home, i thought i was strong enough, well at some point i was, right? but i gained a lot more self confidence, i am happy with who i am. i am thankful for who i am, i am happy, maybe even proud, that i am able to cheer people up, that i can make them smile. i like who i am. i am happy. and no one can take that away from me again. it takes a lot of time to get to know yourself, to find yourself, no i better say to create yourself. you be who you want to be. don't try to change yourself, fiend the right balance and accept yourself as who you are! i learned how to say hi to people, how to start conversations, when you don't even speak the same language. i learned how to keep my head up even when times are hard. i learned how to live. i learned a lot more than you can learn in school. i learned about life.

would i tell you to go on exchange? OMG YES! exchange is an amazing experience. i am just saying. but wow. do it ! if you think you are strong enough, it takes quite some strength to go through all of this, but even if you think you aren't strong enough. why don't you just try it, maybe you are strong enough and find this amazing strong person in yourself. you just got to search, you just have to believe in yourself.
where have i been? well it feels like i've been everywhere, but wait australia is big and huge aye :D well i have been everywhere around brisbane and the gold coast, as well as the sunshine coast, i've been down to Melbourne, and it was freezing cold, i've been to Byron Bay, which was just beautiful. I've been to the southern Great Barrier Reef and i have to admit it is the most beautiful place i have ever seen in life. except well maybe, yea a nice beautiful green forest in sweden can compete with it ahah. but i seriously is just a wonderful, dreamingfully beautiful place to be. I've been to SYDNEY of coarse, beautiful but really busy city :))  I've been to Noosa and a million other beautiful beach citys :)
 have i changed? let's not make a long paragraph for this one, we all know i have.
do i see the world different? haven't i answered this before ahah, yea you see i am getting tired. well it nearly is midnight and it's school tomorrow ahah opps. but yes i do see the world different.
is distance something different than just a set of letters now? distance is a lot more than just a combination of letters or this weird thing of numbers now. it actually makes sense now. distance, what a word. you can miss someone even if they are just 15 km away. and it can hurt so much you miss them. but if you then add time to this word distance, it looks totally different... 12 month is a long time to not see your mum for example or get tickled by your best friend. and then distance is fricken far. distance can really hurt. :( but you learn to handle it :) well then there is time difference right? :D yea naw i don't think i can handle that, not even after 12 month: TIME DIFFERENCE YOU SUCK. sorry. :D but time difference that's a thing. when you sometimes haven't talked to your friends for over a month, when you haven't seen your grandma since christmas, which is wait let me add more than half a year ago. yea time difference. you are this thing that is the annoying thing. you are the reason i stay up til midnight, and why i am tired at school. because i have been talking to my friend til 1 or 2 am last night, while it was 6 or 7 pm over there..
yea distance, time and time difference...

am i happy with how my exchange turned out? overall, if i could mark it like a teacher would mark an essay: A with a thousand pluses. i am more than happy with how my exchange has been. it has been beautiful. it was absolutly perfect in my eyes. it couldn't have been better. i gained friends and experiences and memories for life :)
am i looking forward to home? yes i put this question as the last one. :D yes i am! i am freaking out just by the thought of it :)))))) i dont think i could be more happy to be home again :*

well my mood got a little better over the time, don't you think. i hope you enjoyed it, or i could help you somehow. i really need to go to bed now. good night everyone. have a good one <3

breaky at the park instead of school :)

sleep over. the weirdos i became friends with :p
 see ya soon Anja <3

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